Dating in Islam

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh. 


"Verily, all praise is due to Allah. It is due to Him, and to Him alone. We praise Him and we seek His help and forgiveness. We seek refuge in Allah from the evil of our own selves and from the evil of our actions. And whomsoever Allah guides, there is none to misguide him, and whomsoever Allah leads astray none can guide him aright. I testify that there is no god worthy of worship except Allah, alone with no partner, and I testify that Muhammad (SAWS) is His slave and messenger. Indeed the best speech is the book of Allah, and the best guidance is that of Muhammad (SAWS). The worst affairs are the newly invented matters, for every newly invented matter is an innovation, and every innovation is misguidance, and every misguidance is in the Fire." 


So I got a request to write about dating, so here goes!  The dictionary definition of dating is a meeting planned in advance. This word is used today, as getting  to know each other without the commitment of marriage. Dating that is vogue in the West involves intimate relationship such as touching, kissing, petting, necking that ultimately results in pre-marital sex. This has increasing spread throughout the world. In the past centuries in the West, the women used to wear long chaste dresses and their dating did not involve the close intimacy that we see today.


No premarital sex is allowed in Islam. Therefore, no dating is allowed on the premise that dating inevitably leads to premarital sex. Not only that but shari'a has rulings prohibiting the mixing of women and men that are non-mahrams (relative). The choice of a marriage partner is one of the most important decisions a person will make in his or her lifetime.  It should be taken as seriously as any other major decision in life - with prayer, careful investigation, and family involvement. 


In Islam it is permissible for a couple to meet in chaperoned, or group environment. In Islam consent is very important- that is neither women nor men can be married against their will.  Islam has given this freedom of choice to both young men and women - they cannot be forced into a marriage that they don't want. Qur'an and Hadith on Chastity However, we need to keep in mind the following Islamic commandments:


 " You commit no sin by announcing your engagement to the women, or keeping it secret. God knows that you will think about them. Do not meet them secretly, unless you have something righteous to discuss. Do not consummate the marriage until their interim is fulfilled. You should know that God knows your innermost thoughts, and observe Him. You should know that God is Forgiver, Clement."2:235 


"… Also, you may marry the chaste women among the believers, as well as the chaste women among the followers of previous scripture, provided you pay them their due dowries. You shall maintain chastity, not committing adultery, nor taking secret lovers. Anyone who rejects faith, all his work will be in vain, and in the Hereafter he will be with the losers." 5:5 


"Successful indeed are the believers; who are reverent during their Contact Prayers (Salat). And they avoid vain talk. And they give their obligatory charity (Zakat). And they maintain their chastity. Only with their spouses, or those who are rightfully theirs, do they have sexual relations; they are not to be blamed. Those who transgress these limits are the transgressors."23:1-7 


"Tell the believing men that they shall subdue their eyes (and not stare at the women), and to maintain their chastity. This is purer for them. God is fully Cognizant of everything they do."24:30    


"And tell the believing women to subdue their eyes, and maintain their chastity. They shall not reveal any parts of their bodies, except that which is necessary. They shall cover their chests, and shall not relax this code in the presence of other than their husbands, their fathers, the fathers of their husbands, their sons, the sons of their husbands, their brothers, the sons of their brothers, the sons of their sisters, other women, the male servants or employees whose sexual drive has been nullified, or the children who have not reached puberty. They shall not strike their feet when they walk in order to shake and reveal certain details of their bodies. All of you shall repent to God, O you believers, that you may succeed." 24:31


"Among His proofs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves, in order to have tranquility and contentment with each other, and He placed in your hearts love and care towards your spouses. In this, there are sufficient proofs for people who think."30:21 


"They keep their chastity. (They have relations) only with their spouses, or what is legally theirs" 70:29-30. 


Chastity is defined in the Quran in 23:6 as "avoiding sexual relations outside marriage."  There are clear verses in the Quran against the natural results of dating; from the seemingly innocent kiss to the more obvious. According to the commands in the Qur'an unmarried men and women should maintain their chastity until marriage. (5: 5,  23: 5-7, 24: 3-0-31, 70: 29-331).


Hadrat Umar (RA) related that the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said, "Not one of you should meet a woman alone unless she is accompanied by a relative (mahram)" (Bukhari/Muslim).  


The Prophet (peace be upon him) also reportedly said, "Whenever a man is alone with a woman, Satan (Shaytan) is the third among them" (Tirmidhi).   


When young people are getting to know each other, being alone together is a temptation towards wrongdoing.  At all times, Muslims should follow the commands of the Qur'an (24:30-31) to "lower their gaze and guard their modesty...."  


Islam recognises that we are human and can easily given to human weakness, so this rule provides safeguards for our own sake.A student asked a Sheikh on the subject: Is friendship with the opposite sex wrong and is it good to be very good friends at school and outside of school with the opposite sex? 
Dr. Muzammil Siddiqui answers: "Muslims should have good relations with all people, males as well as females. At school, at work, in you neighborhood etc. you should be kind and courteous to everyone. However, it is not allowed in Islam to take a non-mahram person or persons of the opposite gender as a very close friend.  Such friendship often leads to Haram. In the Qur’an, Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala mentioned that good men and women are those who marry, do not have fornicating relationships and do not have “paramours” (“akhdan”) (see al-Nisa’ 4:25; al-Ma’idah 5:5). “Akhdan” are “sweethearts” or for a man a “mistress” and for a woman a “lover”. The Prophet - peace be upon him - said, whenever two strangers of the opposite gender are alone with each other, Satan becomes the third one between them. (al-Tirmidhi, 1091). 


Dating is Haram (sin). Allah has warned us about it, the Prophet PBUH taught us ways in which we should approach the marriage proposals and courting for that matter. There are three reasons I can think of that are used as an excuse to date: 


1. To get to know the girl/boy so they know if she/he is the one (to marry). 
2. The other is one who cannot, or is not ready for marriage so dates. 
3. Is lustful youths who want to experiment (maybe because of peer pressure or not) and fulfil their lustful desires. 


A. Islam acknowledges human weaknesses and has solutions to these problems. You can get to know a girl/ boy in an acceptable islamic way by inviting a mahram with the girl you want to court. This blocks you from temptation, getting carried away and you can ask her anything that would help you decide if you are compatible. You can meet them several times until you are sure so long as there is a mahram.  


B. If one is not committed to marry then in my opinion she/he shouldn't date either because that means they would basically have to lie to the partner about their future in order to date. If they fornicate then that might ruin the chances of the girl especially, of getting married to a decent man as the future man would expect her to be chaste.  


C. This one is a hard one in the world we live today. Morals and decency were flashed down the toilet and nowadays you even see children's cartoons with scenes of nudity, and kissing scenes etc. It's being indoctrinated on tv channels, in schools etc that it is ok, and because there are too few Islamic schools out there and of a high standard of education, Muslim parents end up taking their children to schools that promote mixing with the opposite sex and don't teach islamic studies, where majority of students are of different religion and of different backgrounds who believe something that might be conflicting to Islamic beliefs. So your children are exposed to a lot and it is up to the parents to filter all of this information from a young age and help them learn which information is good and accepted and which to disregard and not do. With out the Islamic knowledge it would be really hard for a young Muslim teenager to first say no to be a classmates valentine and explain why he/she refused something that is probably seen as trivial in today's society. To bigger peer pressure as "why don't you have a date to the prom, it's not anything big just the prom." I think this can be dealt with through knowledge. 


The Prophet PBUH told men to marry young if they can, and for those who can't to practise fasting as it controls their desires. I believe parents play a pivotal role in influencing your child. The more knowledge they have on the deen, and understand it, the less likely they are to transgress on their lords command. It is good to inform them that one of the seven people promised shade under the  (throne) of Allah SWT are the obedient youths who stayed on the right path since childhood so the early we start the better for us.  Inshallah  may Allah (SWT) protect us all and guide us and our children/future children all on the right path, the path of piety and goodness Inshallah. Ameen ya Rabb!!